Many people have been feeling overwhelmed, ungrounded, unsettled, and like something big is on the horizon. I’ve been feeling it, too. If you are a follower of Astrology, you may have already been keeping up with the cosmos and hearing about all sorts of transits and shifts that are said to hold some answers with regards to the intensity many of us have been experiencing lately.

If you’re interested in the deets, Pluto (representing rebirth, regeneration, and transformation) is transitioning into Aquarius (representing societal change, personal transformation, technology, equality, and revolution) for the first time since 1778 (where it remained until 1798). Coincidence as it may be, this was the time that the American Revolution (1775-1783), French Revolution (1789-1799), the Reign of Terror (1793), the Haitian Revolution (1791-1804), and the Irish Rebellion (1798) all occurred. Do with that information what you will.

Between the political disasters that seem to continue unfolding from one day to the next, major life and career changes I have been implementing for several months, some personal health issues and a million appointments every week, and the sudden shift in temperatures here in the Great White North of Montana, it’s no wonder I fell out of some of my routines.

It can be easy to punish ourselves and use negative self-talk for a lack of productivity or constant doing. For me, this is especially true regarding routines that I worked so painstakingly hard towards committing to. Consistency has never been my strong suit in business (or in my personal life, lets be honest). Over the past several months, I have been making a lot of changes to my self-limiting internal monologue and slowly, steadily, taking control of many aspects of my life with this new approach. I have tried being pragmatic about how many things I can realistically change in my life at one time. A friend told me yesterday “The Tortoise beats the Hare",” which has been a helpful reminder in staying grounded and focused on my goals, a reminder not to compare myself to other people’s journeys. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. You get the drift. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day, either.

This weekly newsletter is one of the commitments I decided to make to ensure that I continue to show up and remain present in my business. This newsletter helps me build a sense of community with my readers, provides me with an outlet for my writing, and holds me accountable to a weekly routine and some structure. It helps me take my business seriously, which is something that some of my family members- in conjunction with my own imposter syndrome- has been the subject of plenty of doubt and dismissal.

For 8 solid weeks, I have been consistent in publishing this newsletter (which may not sound like much, but when you’re genetically limited in the executive functioning department, it’s a huge feat!). Last week, I just couldn’t overcome the overwhelm in my personal life. In fact, I quite literally forgot about my newsletter altogether.

It would have been incredibly easy to beat myself up for being inconsistent, for failing, for letting my self down, for being lazy, for not separating my personal life from my work, etc. In fact, those very narratives are utilized by many people around me, and at times, they have even been used by others as tools to harm me. The realization was abrupt; it hit me like a brick to the face.

For as long as I have heard the words ringing in my head, I suddenly realized that monologue isn’t my inner monologue. Feelings of self doubt, failure, insecurity, criticism, fear, and the desire for approval from others- were not bestowed upon me at birth. During a recent series of events, I witnessed themes and behaviors portrayed by family members during my childhood. These behaviors are by no means new, or even uncommon- so I decided to take a big step back. I was seeing things objectively, now, with fresh eyes. I was on the outside. I spent days unraveling many layers of these experiences when it occurred to me; I learned how to talk to myself at a very young age by observing how the people around me talked to themselves, to each other, and yes, to me. It is the way that many people talk to themselves still today. It is the way they, too learned to talk to themselves. The problem? They never unlearned.

And on Samhain, I chose to banish those beliefs in a fire ritual. Perhaps it is simply coincidence, maybe even just awareness and practice (which is kind of the whole point of ritual ;), but I feel compelled to share that my life has not been the same since I made that decision. I no longer choose to believe the stories I have told about myself, nor will I allow myself to be a target of the false narratives that others choose to believe about me. I want to be clear, this is not an exercise in cognitive dissonance or narcissistic skepticism. This is an exercise in choice.

I choose to take control of my life, of the way I talk to myself, and the way I allow others to talk to me. I release all desire to change the opinions or stories that others choose to believe about me. I release the desire to explain myself to those who do not wish to understand me. I release the behavior of self abandonment in the name of unsatisfactory love. I release the habit of making myself small to accommodate those who choose to see me as a threat.

Instead, I choose to show up fully, authentically, honestly, and humanly. I choose to forgive myself for mistakes I have made, and I choose to make better choices as I continue to learn. I choose not to punish myself for needing rest, or taking health breaks. I choose to face myself, and to always choose growth. I choose to exit behavioral patterns and karmic cycles that no longer serve me. I will no longer sacrifice bits of myself for others who choose to avoid themselves entirely.

Perhaps this wasn’t the type of newsletter you thought you were signing up for, and to be honest, it isn’t the type of newsletter I anticipated delivering. As I write this, I actively resist the increasing desire to stash it away in the archives; save it for my therapist. But in honor of keeping it as real as I just preached, I am choosing to be vulnerable. I am choosing not to shrink myself, and I am choosing to allow all several hundreds of my readers to witness me in all of my humanity, hopeful only that it inspires some of you to choose yourselves today, too.

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Next Sunday on November 17th, I am celebrating my 32nd rotation around the sun. Birthday’s have always been a pretty big deal to me, and I’ve often been left feeling disappointed in the lack of enthusiasm from others as a result. I love to throw a mean birthday party for anyone who is important to me, but I’ve also got a track record of friends bailing, boyfriends forgetting or falling short, nobody showing up at my birthday parties, a birthday tornado, a traumatizing breakup, you get the point.

I used to call it the Birthday Curse.

I would get myself all excited that maybe this year would be different. Someone would throw me a surprise party, or bake me a cake, or make me feel special. Sadly, I have not felt very special on my birthday since I turned 21 (shout out to my college besties, I think that was hands down the best birthday of my entire life).

So much has happened in my life, and I can hardly identify with the versions of my self from those days. I have moved 9 times in 3 years due to insecure housing, ended a 3 year relationship, moved in with my parents in Bozeman, among other trials and tribulations. It is difficult to make lasting friendships when you’re bopping across the state or the country every few months, and this time is no different. I do not anticipate my time in Bozeman to be permanent, especially when considering that it is one of the least affordable places in the entire country to live.

With all of that being said, I am, for the first time in my life, genuinely looking forward to treating myself for my birthday. I know that sounds really depressing, but I have grown quite fond of spending time with myself over the past 6 months. Nobody knows me like I do, after all!

If you are feeling particularly moved by this newsletter, or you just want to share some love, please feel free to place an order on my website so that I can take myself out on a date for a bougie dinner! You can also make a donation here if you are enjoying my newsletters that I admittedly spend entirely too much time writing.